One Liners

One Liners from This Years ' Edinburgh Festival

I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.
Marcus Brigstocke at the Assembly Rooms

Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation.
Jimmy Carr

The right to bear arms is slightly less ludicrous than the right to arm bears.
Chris Addison at the Pleasance

My dad is Irish and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
Patrick Monahan at the Gilded Balloon

My parents are from Glasgow which means they ' re incredibly hard, but I was never smacked as a child... well maybe one or two grams to get me to sleep at night.
Susan Murray at the Underbelly

Is it fair to say that there ' d be less litter in Britain if blind people were given pointed sticks?
Adam Bloom at the Pleasance

My mum and dad are Scottish but they moved down to Wolverhampton when I was two, ' cause they wanted me to sound like a tw*t.
Susan Murray at the Underbelly

You have to remember all the trivia that your girlfriend tells you, because eventually you get tested. She ' ll go: "What ' s my favourite flower?" And you murmur to yourself: "Sh*t, I wasn ' t listening... Self-raising?"
Addy Van-Der-Borgh at the Assembly Rooms

I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was "Shout For Help".
Mark Watson, Rhod Gilbert at the Tron

I went out with an Irish Catholic. Very frustrating. You can take the Girl out of Cork ...
Markus Birdman at the Pod Deco

Got a phone call today to do a gig at a fire station. Went along. Turned out it was a bloody hoax.
Adrian Poynton at the Pleasance

Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.
Demetri Martin at the Assembly Rooms

I like to go into the Body Shop and shout out really loud "I ' ve already got one!"
Norman Lovett at The Stand

It ' s easy to distract fat people. It ' s a piece of cake.
Chris Addison at the Pleasance

I enjoy using the comedy technique of self-deprecation - but I ' m not very good at it.
Arnold Brown at The Stand

If you ' re being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They ' re trained for that.
Milton Jones at the Underbelly

Shakespeare on Spam

-------------------------------- Shakespeare on Spam (by Anonymous)
These several airy unnamed messengers
Do daily cram my inbox bursting full;
And with a battery of promises (Of manhood's lengthening, safe and natural;
Of sites whereat strange couplings may be seen,
Or beauties nubile as the law allows;
Of meetings with old schoolmates,
none of whom I've spared a brace of thoughts for these ten years)
Make sifting out my correspondences
A passing trial.
O, take care, my friends!
The rambling jest you send has like been seen Ten times,
forwarded by some jackanapes;
And sooth, I'll not contribute to a chain
But risk the lapse in fortunes an I don't.
Of all conveniences, these are most meet:
The Bulk folder,
"Select All,"
and "Delete."

_________________Please help support BreakTheChain.org Visit the Chain-Breaker's Gift Shop

High Tech, low function

Carbon fiber. Not just for Star Trek anymore!

It's light, ten times stronger than steel, and is now used to strengthen your favorite washroom. "You know how fast a little fiber can make you go," claims the manufacturer. "Finally, a high performance, race ready composite toilet seat."

Can you say, "pimp my ride"? The seat is hand-layered carbon fiber molded around a foam core using 550,000 psi tensile carbon fiber, and fits standard household toilets. We predict this will be the recipient of a SEMA new product award and our own praised "POS Product" award this November.

For more information, contact Dynamic Composites in Alberta Canada at (780) 435-0619 or email beyera@business-aid.net. Pimp your crapper for just $229 US.


http://www.truckblog.com/story-864-friday_beerblog_the_cabon_fiber_toilet_seat

Auction finds

Last couple of weeks have been good ones for auction going. I picked up a lot of stuff. The coolest thing I picked up THIS week was a huge bearskin rug. Actually, they auctioneer called it a buffalo robe, and maybe it is, though I have never seen a jet black buffalo. It is pretty coarse as well, like bearskin, but on the other hand, when I think of the buffalo I have actually seen on the hoof, the hide was always covered in matts, fleas, and flies. Its not like they even OWN a comb. The downside of course if to figure out how to get the musty smell out of it. I have never had such a bad smelling hide (cept for those uncured deer hides I got a Pensic a few decades ago....)...they smell like an old trunk left in the basement. That "old suitcase smell".
The robe has a nice wool back covering that I was sort of hoping to keep. There is no water marks or anything to indicate the thing had ever got wet, so the problem is purely that of high humidity for too long.
Anybody have any idea how to get rid of the musty odor? I would think that washing it in water with detergent, borax and detol might cause the wool to shrink. And I don't know if detol kills mold. The detol odor is not really all that nice a replacement odor come to think of it. Vinegar maybe? Gasoline? Its not something you do in the winter time, or anytime static can build up, but I have washed leather and hides in naptha in the past. Brenda suggest I remove the backing regardless...and I am inclined to go along with that idea except for the problem that I will have to sew something back on afterwards. If I can get away without all that sewing, I would be happier.

Parliament buildings

click on images to enlarge

Just in time for Christmas

Well, the world is now ready for, get this....Vibrating Soap! Just when you thought it was safe to drop the soap in the shower, along comes THIS product! http://www.crazyaboutgadgets.com/detail.asp?ID=312

Yup...its real. I mean, how fat and lazy do you have to be to need a soap that vibrates in order to bring up a lather! And it is available in three delicious colours...red blue and (of course) pink! MMMMMM! I cannot TELL you how hard it is to not make double entendre jokes about this product....resisting....resisting.....oh too late... MMMMMMM Pink, my favorite!

And guess what..this product is so popular it is sold out. For now! Well, thats just great! I guess I'll just have to check out one of the other items on the site...a SHOWER TAP Radio! For that karioki effect I guess! And a starfish LCD bath alarm. Just in case you run a bath for baby, and don't dare to test the temp with your hand, you can throw in the BIG BLUE STARFISH! Hey fish....maybe you can find Nemo for me! I could keep him in my "Sun Jar". A sealer jar which you leave out in the sunlight during the day, and it stores the sun in it all night. Good stuff, I'll keep it beside my JellyFish mood lamp. (Hmmmm...I detect a theme here!)
So no kidding...go check out this site...and remember, there are only 35 shopping days before Christmas!

After Dieppe

900 Canadian soldiers died in a stupidly botched attack on France in 1942, the historians called it the failed invasion at Dieppe. A plane was dispatched from Ottawa filled with maple leaves, to scatter on the graves of the fallen as part of the rememberance ceremonies in November of '42. (Unlike other countries, Canda rarely re-patriates the war dead, they are normally intered in special cemetaries in Europe) This poem appeared in the Ottawa Citizen, written by a journalism student whose brothers were "over there".
Ainslie's younger brother eventually forged his father's signature, and went to war, came back, had a long and excellent career in the public service, and is now a resident of the veterans home here in Ottawa. Through his Alzheimer's, he quoted this poem written by his older brother to a citizen reporter, Kelley Egan. Thank you Mr. Egan for salvaging this piece of doggrel for us. Doggrel it may be, but it IS heartfelt, and illuminates an instant of history.




After Dieppe.

We sent you Maple leaves today
To strew upon your grave
'Tis little, to be sure, and yet
What matter what we gave

There are no words to tell our love
For strong Canadian sons.
No words to thank those stalwart men
Who traded games for guns.

No gifts to pay the debt we owe,
For Death denies remittance
And all our tribute, all our wealth
Were but a puny pittance.

But there are thoughts more deep than death
When hearts are fraught with woe,
The heart of Canada will call
And reach to where you go.

You were so brave, so young, so true;
You had to keep the trust,
For brave young hearts had died before.
You only thought it just.

The rich green fields will miss you, men,
Now that you choose to stay:
And forests, hills and woodland streams
Will weep for many a day.

Now English pines will shelter you
And whisper English grief,
And we who cannot go, we send
A precious maple leaf.

by Ainslie Kerr, August 1942

Flight over Ottawa

Brenda finally cashed in her Xmas present....a flight over the city in a Cessna. The only day it wasn't raining cats and dogs, and we took it! Look at her smile!

Got more wood....

Again, click on the image to enlarge. Hey Zlanth, I asked him to carve you a Mustang, and I got the second one up.....

grin!

Wood

Click on the images to see them full size.

This guy is just scary good! I think I see several posts on his work coming up!

...With the Going Down of the Sun....

In a slightly desperate attempt to cross the Albert Canal in their big push through France and Belgium in late '44, the Galgary Highlanders ran into some serious opposition in the form of a well organized counter attack. The newly promoted Lance Corporal William Fedun provided covering fire for his platoon, enabling them to get back across the canal safely. He didn't make it, but his efforts enabled many others to get away so they could fight again another day. He got a medal for that, and they named me after...a hero! Well well!

The lower pic is a photo from the "Book of Rememberance" which is in a chapel in the centre tower (the "Peace Tower") on Parliament Hill. Click on the pictures to enlarge.

Dear Tech Support:Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0.

I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources.In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity.

Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, GOLF 7.5, and Racing 3.6.I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications.

I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the ‘uninstall’ doesn't work on Wife 1.0.

Please help!Thanks,Troubled User.....



REPLY:Dear Troubled User:This is a very common problem that men complain about.Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program.
Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!!

It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this.

Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony/Child Support.

I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation.

I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE!

Because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0comes with several support programs, such asClean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5! and Do Bills 4.2.However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program
Nag Nag9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software.

I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0!
WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3.

This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause rreversible damage to the operating system!


Best of luck,Tech Support

830 points!

World record, actually THREE world records were set during this game by Wayne Cresta. The whole story is here............ http://www.slate.com/id/2152255/?GT1=8702

The "QUIXOTRY" was the biggest single word score in officially sanctioned play...340 points.

Ads

Playing squash mit der tanks....

This is a picture of my sister Brenda with my 1131 lbs world record squash carved for Halloween display. It was sculpted by my wife Deb (Brant Timm/Citizen contributor)

(This is from the Ottawa Citizen Web site)

Erie Canal

November 4, 1825: Celebrating the Erie Canal
Posted November 04, 2006 6:00 AM by Moose
Pathfinder Tags: canal building erie canal history
Today is the one-hundred eighty-first anniversary of the completion of the Erie Canal, a 363-mile artificial waterway that runs from the Hudson River to Lake Erie and connects the Great Lakes with the Atlantic Ocean. In 1807, Robert Fulton's steamboat made its maiden voyage from New York City to Albany in a trip that lasted 32 hours. A year later, the state legislature funded a survey for a canal that would connect the Hudson to Lake Erie. Although the project was derided as "Clinton's Big Ditch", a reference to then-Governor Dewitt Clinton, the Erie Canal was completed in the fall of 1825. Four feet deep and 40 feet wide, it included 18 aqueducts, 83 locks, and a towpath for farm animals.
In many ways, the Erie Canal is a monument to engineering by amateurs. James Geddes and Benjamin Wright, the Erie Canal's principal planners, were experienced judges but novice surveyors. Nathan Roberts, a math teacher and land speculator, provided technical expertise and mixed motives. Only Canvass White, a 27-year old engineer who had visited Great Britain to study the Bridgewater Canal, offered serious canal-building experience. Nevertheless, according to Peter L. Bernstein, author of Wedding of the Waters: The Erie Canal and the Making of a Great Nation, these men "carried the Erie Canal up the Niagara escarpment at Lockport, maneuvered it onto a towering embankment to cross over Irondequoit creek, spanned the Genesee River for it on an awesome aqueduct, and carved a route for it out of the solid rock between Little Falls and Schenectady - and all of those venturesome designs worked precisely as planned."
On November 4, 1825, Governor Dewitt Clinton celebrated the opening of the Erie Canal by sailing aboard the Seneca Chief from Buffalo to Albany. Later, when he arrived in New York City, Clinton emptied two casks of water from Lake Erie into the Atlantic Ocean, celebrating the canal's completion with a "Marriage of the Waters". Within 15 years, New York City boasted the busiest port in America, proving the truth of the governor's predictions in 1817. "The city will, in the course of time, become the granary of the world, the emporium of commerce, the seat of manufactures, the focus of great moneyed operations," said Clinton. "And before the revolution of a century, the whole island of Manhattan, covered with inhabitants and replenished with a dense population, will constitute one vast city."

November Duc du Berry

(click on image to enlarge.)
The scene of November showing the acorn harvest, a traditional theme for this month, was executed entirely by Jean Colombe. The Limbourgs painted only the tympanum, which - as in the other eleven months - crowns the scene with signs centered around a semicircle painted in blue camaïeu (monochrome), in which a man carrying a brilliant sun, as one might present a monstrance, is enthroned on a chariot drawn by two horses. (This image of the sun chariot is taken from a medal, now in the Bibliothèque Nationale, representing the Emperor Heraclius returning the True Cross to Jerusalem. A copy of this coin belonged to the renowned collection of Jean de Berry.)

Above are astronomical signs and the signs of the zodiac for the month of November in blue camaïeu on a background of golden stars: Scorpio at left, Sagittarius at right. The Limbourgs probably painted the tympani for the various months all at one time.

Unlike the other scenes, this does not take place on a famous site that the artists were proud to evoke.The setting, painted with some talent, seems to be a figment of Jean Colombe's imagination, although it might have been inspired by the countryside of Savoie, where the artist completed the Tres Riches Heures for the Duc de Savoie. The different planes are picturesquely spaced, blending into the blue of the horizon where a sinuous river twists between the mountains. Nearer, the towers of a château and a village cling to the rocks. In front, a peasant dressed in a tunic with golden highlights draws back his arm and prepares to hurl a stick into an oak tree. At his feet, pigs greedily eat the fallen acorns under the watchful eyes of a dog.We see other peasants with their pigs under the trees. The scene is painted in muted tones that at first glance differentiate it from the other months but do not detract from it. It has an agreeable quality; only the animals do not have the muscular vigor that the Limbourgs were able to impart to their creatures on the following page.


I got interested in the events depicted in Emperor Heracleas, and its a whopper of a story! Please read chapter 46 of Gibbon's book! Wowsers! http://etext.library.adelaide.edu.au/g/gibbon/edward/g43d/chapter46.html

Halloween pics

click on images to enlarge....
Better, personal pics of my friend Shayne's halloween party tomorrow. (boring me...I found a corner and slept through it!)