Judy's pics.

Judy over at Lilac Gate snapped this picture of fall leaves. A "perfect" composition IMHO.
Please visit Judy here. http://lilacgate.blogspot.com/

More pumpkins!

This is a world record!



Hey, I know that guy!

The pumkin hoards are attacking!

Office Pranks...Cracked Magazine

Why Office Pranks Suck When You're a NASA Employee

By:

Chris Bucholz

362digg

It might come as some surprise to you to find out that all of us Cracked writers and staffers have satellite dishes in our backyards, which we use to monitor comedy events observed by our armada of orbiting comedy satellites. However, unlike the rest of the Cracked staff, Im a bit of an amateur radio astronomer. Consequently, my dish is actually a 10-foot little number which I also use for surveying the heavens, constantly scanning the sky for fart jokes in the aether.

One of 24 Cracked Comedy Satellites in a constellation of high inclination orbits.

This past week, while examining a section of sky near Gemini for scraps of an anecdote about an alien farmers daughter, I came across an anomalous signal. Fairly quickly I determined it to be human in origin and, as it was unencrypted, I was able to reassemble its meaning without too much difficulty. (Before I became a columnist I was actually part of Cracked's SIGINT division.)

The signal I was receiving was a journal, sent by the lone occupant of a space vehicle on its way to Mars. This vehicle was secretly launched by NASA in March of this year under the guise a mission to place a space telescope into "orbit." Composed of individual journal entries, transcripts of communications with mission control and wild, unstructured rants, this compilation told the story of a man who, in his own words, had gotten royally screwed, right in the mouth.

So, as a service to all the conspiracy theorists and amateur radio astronomers who make Cracked.com their first stop every morning, I present a lightly edited version of this journal to you below.

___

Journal Entry: March 7, 2009

Ugh. I will never get used to that. Being launched into space SUCKS. It feels like being the turkey in a sandwich, except the bread is a family of fat people. Heh, thats a good one. Im going to let the guys in control know about that one, so they can add it to the list.

Journal Entry: March 7, 2009 Addendum OK, apparently theyre not adding any more sandwich ones to the big launch metaphor list. Fuck those douches.

Journal Entry: March 8, 2009

Post launch rest period concluded. Time to get down to work. The purpose of this mission is to conduct a trial run of the systems in a habitat module intended for a potential Mars mission. So strictly speaking my only real job here is to stay alive. I think I can manage that.

Whoops! Almost died there. Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha. Just kidding diary.

Seriously though, Ive got a whole checklist of things to do here, so Id better get started.

Day 1:

Item 1: Use Toilet

Item 2: Disassemble Toilet

Huh.

.Journal Entry: March 14, 2009 Apparently Im not alone up here. In another compartment in the module is a monkey. He's got this little machine that provides food and water, and he's hooked up to medical monitoring equipment. But what the heck is he doing up here? He wasn't mentioned in my mission briefing. Which was actually kind of rushed now that I think about it. I guess it makes sense. Looking at my checklist, it looks like I'll be working on his toilet quite a bit later on.

Journal Entry: March 16, 2009 The food here is terrible. The larder is fully stocked, but with really inappropriate food. Its got nothing but soup in here. And not astronaut soup. Cans of Chunky. Its like someone raided a Costco for a fucking space mission. How am I supposed to eat this? Is this someones idea of a joke? It's been a week and this place is already covered in brown smears. All that toilet maintenance can't be helping.

Journal Entry: March 20, 2009 I should be able to see Earth out of one of these windows, right? I cant believe I hadnt noticed that until now. When I checked in with control, they said it was normal. Apparently Im in a highly elliptical orbit. They called it a Bigh-Bie orbit. Never heard of it before. Named after its inventors presumably. I could have sworn I heard them snickering when they said that though.

Journal Entry: March 28, 2009 OK, this is bullshit. Every other task on my checklist involves using the toilet and then immediately taking it apart. Shit is literally getting out of control. Diary, do you know what comes out of an astronaut who eats nothing but soup? Or a monkey at any time, in any situation? This whole place is disgusting.

___

TRANSCRIPT OF HAB MODULE ARES-1B COMMUNICATION TO HOUSTON- MISSION CONTROL 0815hr 04/16/2009

MC: Hi, Tim? This is Mission Director Mike Atkinson here. Have you been communicating with control on this frequency? Because the people on this line are not Mission Control. Do you know a Ron Berton or Aaron Grimhorst?

HM A-1B: Yeah, I know those two guys.

MC: Yeah, OK. Look, I dont know what those guys told you, but this is supposed to be an unmanned mission. I dont even know how you got in there. This is a real situation.

HM A-1B: Youre telling me, Mike. I have been cleaning up my own shit for two weeks now. Also, what do you mean by unmanned mission?

MC: Well it looks like these guys played a bit of a prank on you, there. This was an unmanned mission - well, a one monkey mission - and Aaron and Rob somehow snuck you on board. Im not exactly sure how this actually represents a pretty fundamental failure of several hundred different protocols. We're actually kind of lucky you're still alive. But, if you've got air, water and food, I guess you can hang out a bit longer. In the meantime were going to have to see how this affects the mission. You sit tight, OK?

HM A-1B: Can do Mike. Ive got another toilet check coming up on my checklist anyways.

MC: Uh, yeah. Yes. Stick to the checklist. We may get back to you on that as well.

___

TRANSCRIPT OF HAB MODULE ARES-1B COMMUNICATION TO HOUSTON - MISSION CONTROL 1942hr 04/16/2009

MC: Hi, Tim. First thing I want you to know is that were going to be disciplining Aaron and Rob. What they did was not cool. I want you to be sure that this kind of behavior will no longer be tolerated. Right now HR is redrafting our Tolerance and Harassment Policy to make this kind of thing explicitly prohibited.

HM A-1B: Thats good.

MC: Furthermore, Aaron and Rob will both be speaking with a counselor, and this incident will go on their permanent records. I cant really go into the details, but between you and me Id be surprised if either of them gets much more than a two percent raise this year, Tim.

HM A-1B: I am glad to hear that. What about the rest of the timeline? Im still scheduled for reentry maneuvers on Thursday?

MC: Yes. No. About that. You are actually traveling towards Mars at a very high speed.

HM A-1B: I see.

MC: Weve had the boys running the numbers here to map out a way to get you back to Earth, and it turns out the answer is pretty simple.

HM A-1B: Oh good.

MC: I said simple. Not good. You are not coming back to Earth. Its just completely physically impossible. The guys tell me we could send you to Jupiter. Do you want to see Jupiter? Ive heard its pretty big. Youll, uh, almost certainly starve to death before then, but you know. An option.

HM A-1B: ...

MC: You still there Tim?

Jupiter is prettybig.

HM A-1B: Forgive me if I seem a little dazed by this. How? Why exactly am I going to Mars?

MC: Well, contrary to whatever these guys told you, this mission was primarily intended to test the shielding systems on board the habitat to see how well they protect the crafts occupants from solar radiation. Thats why the monkeys there.

HM A-1B: Ive been calling him Buzz.

MC: That is certainly your right. Anyways, the reason there's been all this secrecy around the mission is because we needed to do live testing on this shielding, but didnt want to make it public we were using an animals. In fact, if you could check yourself for cancer real quick, that'd be super handy for us. Much more ethical.

HM A-1B: -Finally cracking up- I can't believe this. I can't believe this. I'm going to die? I can't believe this. Oh God! My wife! She'll be devastated.

MC: Ahh, well Ive got good news there, Mike. Shes been cheating on you for the last eight months. With Rob actually. Hey guys, knock it off. Seriously. Thats inappropriate. They just high-fived here, Tim. Ill talk to them about that. Anyways, hang tight. Were not completely out of ideas yet. And I've got good news! That checklist you've been working on, uh, your duties? You can stop that now. That was part of the prank. Were going to upload Spider Solitaire to you right now, OK buddy? That should keep you busy. And weve got a dozen guys working on getting you Freecell. Great things are a foot!

-Editors note: What followed next was 43 pages of extremely bitter commentary about a woman named Helen, and many faults she purportedly possessed. In the author's mind she appears to be some sort of mythical beast of legend, sort of like a Hydra. The most concise definition in the extract is a frigid ice bitch with 80 bitchy heads bitching all the Goddamned Time ABOUT BULLSHIT. This section has been removed in the interests of taste and narrative flow. -

___

TRANSCRIPT OF HAB MODULE ARES-1B COMMUNICATION TO HOUSTON- MISSION CONTROL 1114hr 04/27/2009

MC: Hi, Tim. Regarding your transmission, we passed it on to Helen, but I dont believe she read it. I did though. Jesus man, that was some pretty nasty stuff. I mean, I know youre in a bad place, but seriously, that was a real dick move.

______

Journal Entry: May 28, 2009

They asked me to leave the monkey alone, because he was "important." But screw them. Me and Buzz are death row buddies. We are going to have a ton of whimsical adventures while we wait to die, just like that terrible Tom Hanks movie.

Anyways I let him out of his module this morning, and showed him around the main hab. I think I'll try and teach him some games next.

Journal Entry: June 5, 2009

Buzz is super smart, but he seems to be having a lot more difficulty in the zero gravity than myself. Maybe it's because he's so small, but he keeps getting stuck halfway between walls, flailing around and screeching like mad. I had been helping him when he got stuck, but this morning I left him like that, trying to coach him to rescue himself. That turned out to be a mistake. I don't know what they taught that monkey, but it would appear he has a very good grasp on Newtonian mechanics and their application with respect to poo flinging. And I had just gotten this place clean again.

Journal Entry: August 17, 2009

Fuck that monkey. I don't know how he did it, but he got into my locker and took all my pants and wouldn't give them back. Then when I tried to catch them, he ripped them to shreds. This is bad news. It's kind of chilly up here, in fucking space.

For now I'm wearing my extra shirt as pants. This is bullshit. It's like eighth grade gym all over again.

Unpopular astronaut.

______

TRANSCRIPT OF HAB MODULE ARES-1B COMMUNICATION TO HOUSTON- MISSION CONTROL 1114hr 09/23/2009

HM A-1B: Hi, Mike? I think I lost Buzz.

MC: Hows that?

HM A-1B: I put him back in his room last night, and when I returned this morning, he wasnt there. Actually his whole room wasnt there.

MC: Yes, thats normal. That part of the module has detached.

HM A-1B: Detached? Wheres it going?

MC: Once around Mars, then back to Earth. Theres a wealth of scientific information stored in that monkey, Tim. He should have just enough food to make it home.

HM A-1B: But not me.

MC: Yes. Tim, Im going to be level with you. Youve just kind of annoyed a lot of people around here over the years, and on the balance of things, no one here appears to be that sad to see you go. The monkeys great. Everyone loves that little bastard. You should have seen him at the launch party.

HM A-1B: You like the monkey more than you like me.

MC: Dude. Dude. I dont know what it is man. You tell such terrible jokes. And you always laugh at them. Have you ever noticed that? How when you tell a joke, you're the only one laughing, and everyone's standing there uncomfortably, like you're a guy in a funeral procession and your penis just fell out of your pants? And you've got that horrible voice and face. Also a lot of the girls say you make them feel uncomfortable. And that denim jacket.

HM A-1B: That's a pretty comprehensive list.

MC: We've actually got a white board in the conference room here that's been filling up pretty quick.

HM A-1B: I see.

MC: See thats another one! You always say shit like "I see," like youre some kind of smug, morally superior robot. Hey Karen? Can you add smug, morally superior robot to the board?

____

TRANSCRIPT OF HAB MODULE ARES-1B COMMUNICATION TO HOUSTON- MISSION CONTROL 0954hr 09/27/2009

MC: Tim, this is Mike here again. Weve been going over the figures, and we think weve found a plan youll be pretty happy with.

HM A-1B: Go ahead.

MC: Basically, wed like to slam you into Mars while traveling several kilometers per second, and see what happens.

HM A-1B: ...

MC: You still there Tim?

HM A-1B: Fuck you, Mike.

MC: I know that sounds bad, but think it through. Because your other options include starving to death or freezing to death. Plus, this way youll be the first person to set foot on Mars.

MC-2: Hell also be the first person to set knee, arm, shoulder and face on Mars, in extremely rapid succession.

MC: Ron this is a private channel, but excellent point. Yes. So five separate records! Tim, I will look into seeing if we can get all those for you.

_____

TRANSCRIPT OF HAB MODULE ARES-1B COMMUNICATION TO HOUSTON- MISSION CONTROL 1114hr 09/30/2009

MC: Hi, Tim. The Guinness World Record people got back to me, and they said theyll only give you the foot thing. They also said theyre probably going to have to put an asterisk beside it on account of, well, you know.

___

Editor's note: At this point, the communication stream devolves into the word FUCK printed a little over twenty-seven hundred times, and then just the letter F repeated endlessly, as if someone had set something down on a keyboard.

__

Read more: Why Office Pranks Suck When You're a NASA Employee | Cracked.com http://www.cracked.com/blog/nasa-is-sending-unpopular-astronauts-on-one-way-trips-to-mars/#ixzz1ahB5x2b6

Thanksgiving

Today, of course, is Canadian Thanksgiving.

I wish you all the best for the season
Of course, any excuse for a nosh up....

The picture? Oh that would be the original thanksgiving, the Baccanalia. Looks like more fun than a bunch of Pilgrims gathered around a plank table eating what the natives dragged in.

Funny Ode to Thanksgiving

May your stuffing be tasty
May your turkey plump,
May your potatoes and gravy
Have nary a lump.
May your yams be delicious
And your pies take the prize,
And may your Thanksgiving dinner
Stay off your thighs!

A Poem for Thanksgiving

•

The year has turned its circle,
The seasons come and go.
The harvest all is gathered in
And chilly north winds blow.
Orchards have shared their treasures,
The fields, their yellow grain,
So open wide the doorway,
Thanksgiving comes again.

[Author: Unknown]

At Grandma's House

I like the taste of turkey
Any time throughout the year
But it never
seems to taste as good
As when Thanksgiving's here.

Could be it's all the trimmings
That are cooked with it to eat-
But I think it's
eating at Grandma's house
That makes it such a treat!

Another Funny Thanksgiving Poem

Turkey Warning

Tell me, Mr. Turkey,
Don't you feel afraid
When you hear us talking
'Bout the plans we've made?

Can't you hear us telling
How we're going to eat
Cranberries and stuffing
With our turkey meat?

Turkey, heed my warning:
Better fly away;
Or you will be sorry
On Thanksgiving day.

A Lovely Thanksgiving Blessing

Thank You For Inviting Us

Thank you for inviting us
To your Thanksgiving dinner.
A day spent in your company
Is invariably a winner.

Thank you for the time you spent
Preparing all the food;
For making us feel welcome,
You have our gratitude!

Poem by Joanna Fuchs

Follow-up
It's not what we say about our blessings, but how we use them, that is the true measure of our Thanksgiving. WT Purkiser

More fails

rat tail.
Gods gift to women...just ask him, he'll tell ya.

Whatever you do, don't say to him "nice sausage!"

This is, like, a failed art project right?


Well, whatever it takes to distract attention from that "pencil moustache", and "pencil van dyke".



Well, if all you got is a butt like a boy, may as well show it off. At least your girlfriend will like like it.


Yeah, get out of the way girls, I'm trying to take a picture of that hunk there with the man purse.

Loose a bet again Larry?


Ready for the party. Remember, no glove no love.
Like the boots though!

Sometimes I am ashamed of being a guy. Then I see this guy and my heart swells with newfound pride.

Hi honey? Miss me? Yup, every shot so far!

Must be hot in that room! Look at they guy in back sweating!


My mother made me a monster. Kuul...if I gave her the wool, would she make me one too?


Pick the egg salad....

fails

I wonder if they vote.....

Decode this.

This was on the "Post Secret" blog site. I can't figure it out. Can any of you guys do it?

k. d. Lang

The incomparable k. d. Lang.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vPJkiB2o0sw&feature=related

(turn it up....and close your eyes. Have a tissue handy)

I like this version BECAUSE there is a crowd whistling and stamping, though the announcer's voice over "could" have waited until the end of the song...grin! This version is by far and away the best version I have ever heard. (That includes YOU Rufus Wainright...you slur your words dude!)

Art work

Real Art work, not the sorta maybe okay stuff I do. This is the real thing. http://www.chopoli.com

These are from the hands of Tatjana Raum, she uses that cool plastic modeling compound mixed with actual items from nature to make, um....dolls. You really ought to check out her web site. I know one person who follows this blog will find some of her fairies in Tatjana's back yard!

camels

Pei

Midnight Sunstone

The Girlzilla over at "Peebrain.blogspot.com has been producing some lovely poetry. Like...I know an Iambic Pentameter from a Jacobs Drill Chuck, but for some reason her poetry strikes a spark with me. Here is a sample...entitled Midnight Sunstone....

Not a sapphire or a garnet,
I give you a midnight sunstone.
'tis rarer than diamond and gold.
How I found it, I did not know.
I was walking along a trodden path
When a sparkle caught my eye.
Gleaming red, blue, a fiery white
It lay there, poised for flight.
Legend has that the midnight sunstone
is forged neither by Nature or Man;
but plucked from the depths of all known miseries,
one tear after the next.
I give you this midnight sunstone
Wrapped in a skein of dying stars.
May this regard occlude you from blight
In darkness, love, you shall always have light.

I keep wondering how to make this into a song.
(reprinted by permission.)

The blues.

singing the blues

Ahhh...in the traditon of stealing only from the best, this was forwarded to me.

Subject: Fw: HOW TO PLAY & SING THE BLUES ----- HOW TO PLAY& SING THE BLUES
1. Most Blues begin with: "Woke up this morning..."
2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues unless you sticksomething nasty in the next line like "I got a good woman with themeanest face in town."
3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. Thenfind something that rhymes, sort of: "Got a good woman with the meanest facein town. Yes, I got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Got teethlike Margaret Thatcher, and she weigh 500 pound."
4. The Blues is not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in aditch. There ain't no way out.
5. Blues cars: Chevys, Fords, Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Blues don'ttravel in Volvos, BMWs, or SUVs. Most Blues transportation is a Greyhoundbus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft and state-sponsored motor poolsain't even in the running. Walkin' plays a major part in the blueslifestyle. So does fixin' to die.
6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet. Adults singthe Blues. In Blues, "adulthood" means being old enough to get the electricchair if you shoot a man in Memphis.
7. Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or anyplace inCanada. Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle is probably just clinicaldepression. Chicago, St. Louis, and Kansas City are still great places tohave the Blues. You cannot have the blues anyplace that don't get rain.
8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the Blues. A woman with malepattern baldness is. Breaking your leg 'cause you were skiing is not theblues. Breaking your leg 'cause a alligator be chomping on it is.
9. You can't have no Blues in a office or a shopping mall. The lighting iswrong. Go out to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.10. Good places for the Blues:a. Highwayb. Jailhousec. Empty bedd. Bottom of a whiskey glassBad places for the Blues:a. Nordstrom'sb. Gallery openingsc. Ivy League collegesd. Golf courses
11. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, 'less you happen to be an old ethnic person, and you slept in it.
12. Do you have the right to sing the Blues? Yes, if:
a. You older than dirt
b. You blind
c. You shot a man in Memphis
d. You can't be satisfied
No, if:
a. You have all your teethb. You were once blind but now can see
c. The man in Memphis lived
d. You have a 401K or trust fund
13. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woodscannot sing the blues. Sonny Liston could. Ugly white people also got aleg up on the blues.
14. If you ask for water and your darlin' give you gasoline, it's the Blues.Other acceptable Blues beverages are:
a. Cheap wine
b. Whiskey or bourbon
c. Muddy water
d. Nasty black coffee
The following are NOT Blues beverages:
a. Perrier
b. Chardonnay
c. Snapple
d. Slim Fast
15. If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues death.Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So isthe electric chair, substance abuse and dying lonely on a broken-down cot.You can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or whilegetting liposuction.
16. Some Blues names for women:
a. Sadie
b. Big Mama
c. Bessie
d. Fat River Dumpling
17. Some Blues names for men:a. Joe
b. Willie
c. Little Willie
d. Big Willie
18. Persons with names like Amber, Jennifer, Tiffany, Debbie, and Heathercan't sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.
19. Make your own Blues name Starter Kit:
a. Name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.)
b. First name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, etc..)
c. Last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.) Examples:
Blind Lime Jefferson, Jackleg Lemon Johnson.
20. No matter how tragic your life, if you own a computer you cannot singthe blues

Hot Crysp Chicks

This was interesting....this arrived in my mailbox with the header "Hot Crysp Chiks". Since I LIKE hot crysp chiks, I naturally opened it, and found this collection of pithy sayings. Kind of a spam blog.... looks like a bunch of quotes. I like number 7...."Abstain from beans" and I have no idea what A s'enterveir actually MEANS. Maybe they are taken from bathroom walls. They remind me of stuff I jotted down in my high school notebooks waiting for the pot fumes to clear. (evil grin!)

A s'enterveir

You are either part of the solution or part of the problem.

To do nothing at all is the most difficult thing in the world, the most difficult and the most intellectual.
I wept not, so to stone within I grew.

Life is a rollercoaster. Try to eat a light lunch.

There is something good in all seeming failures. You are not to see that now. Time will reveal it. Be patient.

The gods sell to us all the goods which they give us.

Abstain from beans.

Might, could, would --they are contemptible auxiliaries.

Anger, if not restrained, is frequently more hurtful to us than the injury that provokes it.The roads we take are more important than the goals we announce. Decisions determine destiny.

Better Counsel comes overnight.

Undermining experience, embellishing experience, rearranging and enlarging experience into a species of mythology.

Action conquers fear.

A picture is a poem without words.

We only think when we are confronted with problems.

From Paul to Stalin, the popes who have chosen Caesar have prepared the way for Caesars who quickly learn to despise popes.

There is a sort of exotic preposterousness about a lot of elections, the way arguments are made even cruder.

The superior man is modest in his speech but exceeds in his actions.


Yes, the observant among you will remember I posted this list many years ago.
I really don't think it has grown stale though.
And I STILL don't know who "hot crysp chicks" is.

Penquins

I never knew this.
Penguins



Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins

on the ice in Antarctica - where do they go?

Wonder no more ! ! !

It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic

bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life.

The penguin is very committed to its family and will

mate for life, as well as maintaining a form of

compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.

If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members

of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes

in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is

deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into and buried.

The male penguins then gather in a circle

around the fresh grave and sing:

"Freeze a jolly good fellow"

"Freeze a jolly good fellow."

"Then they kick him in the ice hole."

You really didn't believe that I know anything about penguins, did you?

It's so easy to fool OLD people.

I am sorry, the devil made me do it!!!

Songs for a Tuesday Morning

The sexy and talented Vanessa Mae playing the glass violin.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-eCvTx5nDDA&feature=related

A remarkable departure from the long gowns and conservatism of the usual classical music virtuoso.

On the other hand...her ?Sabre Dance" is startling.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ANZ45vCCUe0&feature=related

The Ballad of Lucy Jordan

The incomparable Dennis Locorriere....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E0KsK-Ftzpg



Of course Marrianne Faithful popularized it in this video.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jTubdcCiIms&feature=related


Do you think Helena Hettema does this song better?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jTubdcCiIms&feature=related