Hangovers...

My old blogging buddy Old Horsetail Snake told me about going for a beer. Or two.

Say you're going to have one beer. Then in turns into a couple of beers, then a six-pack and soon enough, a cascade of beer. You don't know what hit you, but the next day it turns into a
One-Star Hangover
No pain. No real feeling of illness. You're able to function relatively well. However, you are parched. You can drink 5 Cokes and still feel this way. For some reason, you are craving a steak and fries. Unless, of course, it's a
Two-Star Hangover
No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay, but you have the mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you are chugging is only enhancing the rumbling of your gut, which is still tossing around the fruity pancake from the 3 a.m. Waffle House excursion. There is some definite havoc being wreaked upon your bowels. You sure hope it isn't a

Three-Star Hangover
Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You definiely not productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the peppermint schnapps your alcoholic friends dared you to drink. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 3 iced teas and a diet Coke -- yet you haven't peed once. It's looking more and more like a

Four-Star Hangover
Life sucks. Your head is throbbing. You can't speak too quickly or else you might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that can't hide the fact that you shaved only one side of your face. Your eyes look like one big red vein, and even your hair hurts. Your butt is in perpetual spasm, and the first of about five dumps you take during the day brings water to the eyes of everyone who enters the bathroom. No, it isn't a four-star job; it is easily becoming a

Five-Star Hangover
You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the employee who sits in the next cube. Vodka vapor is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy. Your body has lost the ability to generate spit so your tongue is suffocating you. You don't have the foggiest idea who the hell the stranger was who had passed out in your bed this morning. Any attempt to take another dump results in a fire-hose-like discharge of alcohol-scented fluid with a rare floater thrown in. The sole purpose of this floater seems to be to splash the toilet water all over your buns. But all this helps you add to your list of

Things Impossible to Say When You're Drunk
1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
2. Nope, no more booze for me.
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
5. Oh, I just couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing.
6. Sorry I'm being such a jackass