Smile!

When chemists die, they barium.

a.. Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
b.. I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any
time.
c.. How does Moses make his tea?  Hebrews it.
d.. I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
e.. This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never
met herbivore.
f.. I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.
g.. I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
h.. They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.
i.. Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.
j.. We are going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory.  I hope there's
no pop quiz.
k.. I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
l.. Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she
couldn't control her pupils?
m.. When you get a bladder infection urine trouble.
n.. Broken pencils are pointless.
o.. I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.
p.. What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
q.. England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .
r.. I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
s.. I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
t.. All the toilets in New York 's police stations have been stolen.  The
police have nothing to go on.
u.. I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
v.. Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.
w.. Velcro, what a rip off!
x.. A cartoonist was found dead in his home.  Details are sketchy.
y.. Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!
z.. The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government's fault.
aa.. Be kind to your dentist.  He has fillings, too.

- - - -

Ruger is coming out with a new pistol in honour of the Canadian Senate.
It will be named the "Senator".
It doesn't work and you can't fire it.

- - - -

A Torontonian walks into a bar and is about to order a drink when he sees a
guy close by wearing a Newfie Ball cap, and two beer in front of him.
He doesn't have to be an Einstein to know that this guy is a Newfie.
So, he shouts over to the bartender so loudly that everyone can hear,
"Drinks for everyone in here, bartender, but not for the Newf over there."
Soon after the drinks have been handed out, the Newf gives him a big smile,
waves at him, then says, "Thank you!" in an equally loud voice.
This infuriates the Torontonian.
The Torontonian once again loudly orders drinks for everyone except the
Newf.
As before, this does not seem to bother the Newfie.
He continues to smile, and again yells, "Thank you!"
The Torontonian once again loudly orders drinks for everyone except the
Newf.
As before, this does not seem to bother the Newfie.
He continues to smile, and again yells, "Thank you!"
The Torontonian asks the bartender, "What the hell is the matter with that
Newf?
I've ordered three rounds of drinks for everyone in the bar but him, and all
the silly bugger does is smile and thanks me. Is he nuts?"
"Nope," replies the bartender. "He owns the place."

- - - -

A woman from Canada applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed to be
far too qualified for the job.
The foreman frowned and said, "I have to ask you this: "Have you had any
actual experience in picking lemons?"
"Well, as a matter of fact, I have!
"I've been divorced three times, owned 3 Plymouths, rooted for the Maple
Leafs, and I voted for Harper.

- - - -

An  atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned to
her and said, "Do you want to talk?
Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow
passenger."

The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total
stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the atheist. "How about why there is no GOD, or no
Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?" as he smiled smugly.

"OK," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a
question first.
A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass.
Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but
a horse produces clumps.  Why do you suppose that is?"

The  atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks
about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."

To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss
why there is no GOD, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death, when you
don't know shit?"

And then she went back to reading her book.

- - - -

Subject: Chinese Doctor's Advice Could Save Your Life

You WILL Love This Doctor!  (HE is my new GURU!)

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life.  Is
this true?
A: Your heart only good for so many beats, and that it... Don't waste on
exercise. Everything wear out eventually.
Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life
of car by driving faster.
Want to live longer? Take nap.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all.  Wine made from fruit.
Brandy is distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you
get even more of goodness that way.
Beer also made of grain.  Bottom up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one.
If you have two bodies, your ratio two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise
program?
A: Can't think of single one, sorry.
My philosophy is: No pain...good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU NOT LISTENING!  Food are fried these day in vegetable oil.  In fact,
they permeated by it.
How could getting more vegetable be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the
middle?
A: Definitely not!
When you exercise muscle, it get bigger.
You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy?  HEL-LO-O!!  Cocoa bean!  Another vegetable!
It best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming good for your figure, explain whale to me.

Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is shape!

Well... I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about
food and diets.
And remember:
Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving
safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in
sideways -
Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up,
totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO, what a ride!!"

AND.....

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition
and health.
It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional
studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than
Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than
Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks
than Americans.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than
Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and
suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what
kills you.