Tuesday, July 19, 2011

The blues.

singing the blues

Ahhh...in the traditon of stealing only from the best, this was forwarded to me.

1. Most Blues begin with: "Woke up this morning..."
2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues unless you sticksomething nasty in the next line like "I got a good woman with themeanest face in town."
3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. Thenfind something that rhymes, sort of: "Got a good woman with the meanest facein town. Yes, I got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Got teethlike Margaret Thatcher, and she weigh 500 pound."
4. The Blues is not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in aditch. There ain't no way out.
5. Blues cars: Chevys, Fords, Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Blues don'ttravel in Volvos, BMWs, or SUVs. Most Blues transportation is a Greyhoundbus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft and state-sponsored motor poolsain't even in the running. Walkin' plays a major part in the blueslifestyle. So does fixin' to die.
6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet. Adults singthe Blues. In Blues, "adulthood" means being old enough to get the electricchair if you shoot a man in Memphis.
7. Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or anyplace inCanada. Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle is probably just clinicaldepression. Chicago, St. Louis, and Kansas City are still great places tohave the Blues. You cannot have the blues anyplace that don't get rain.
8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the Blues. A woman with malepattern baldness is. Breaking your leg 'cause you were skiing is not theblues. Breaking your leg 'cause a alligator be chomping on it is.
9. You can't have no Blues in a office or a shopping mall. The lighting iswrong. Go out to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.10. Good places for the Blues:a. Highwayb. Jailhousec. Empty bedd. Bottom of a whiskey glassBad places for the Blues:a. Nordstrom'sb. Gallery openingsc. Ivy League collegesd. Golf courses
11. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, 'less you happen to be an old ethnic person, and you slept in it.
12. Do you have the right to sing the Blues? Yes, if:
a. You older than dirt
b. You blind
c. You shot a man in Memphis
d. You can't be satisfied
No, if:
a. You have all your teethb. You were once blind but now can see
c. The man in Memphis lived
d. You have a 401K or trust fund
13. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woodscannot sing the blues. Sonny Liston could. Ugly white people also got aleg up on the blues.
14. If you ask for water and your darlin' give you gasoline, it's the Blues.Other acceptable Blues beverages are:
a. Cheap wine
b. Whiskey or bourbon
c. Muddy water
d. Nasty black coffee
The following are NOT Blues beverages:
a. Perrier
b. Chardonnay
c. Snapple
d. Slim Fast
15. If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues death.Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So isthe electric chair, substance abuse and dying lonely on a broken-down cot.You can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or whilegetting liposuction.
16. Some Blues names for women:
a. Sadie
b. Big Mama
c. Bessie
d. Fat River Dumpling
17. Some Blues names for men:a. Joe
b. Willie
c. Little Willie
d. Big Willie
18. Persons with names like Amber, Jennifer, Tiffany, Debbie, and Heathercan't sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.
19. Make your own Blues name Starter Kit:
a. Name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.)
b. First name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, etc..)
c. Last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.) Examples:
Blind Lime Jefferson, Jackleg Lemon Johnson.
20. No matter how tragic your life, if you own a computer you cannot singthe blues


Middle Child said...

Brilliant - this is one to forward on for sure...thanks

Jennifer said...

This has always been one of may favourites! I especially enjoy the parts about acceptable blues beverages and fixin' to die

Anonymous said...

You be forgettin' to have a dawg, named, "Blue", or "Jasper",it must be an undetermined breed, mutt or a coon hound, neva an: Afghan, yorkie, schnauzer or cheewhawha..

stag said...

I will have to add that paragraph to the collection.

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